I was not ready for this “Jihad” -Jennifer Grout

I was not ready for this “Jihad” -Jennifer Grout

Oh Beloved,

How many times have You told me that my cup will never be full so long as I seek to fill it with other than Your love?

How many times have You warned me that my open wounds will never become scars so long as I attempt to treat them with medicine other than what You have prescribed?

How many times have I been drowning, searching desperately around me for something to grasp, while Your gleaming rope was ever-present, hanging right in front of my eyes?

How many times have You proven to be

My only Beloved.

I met with You every night for a month, in quiet seclusion… I shared my deepest secrets, (although You already knew them.) I asked You unashamedly to grant me what is only granted to Your elite, knowing full well I am quite undeserving. Oh, my One True Love, how I cried in Your arms like a child who had been reunited with her mother after a period of forced separation.

Your love fortified and strengthened me… And with such certainty I felt that things would be different from now on.

But I was not prepared for the pain I would feel when the gates of the enemy were once again opened to torment and distract me, working hard to lead me from light back to dark.

I did not realize that the purpose this time You so graciously gifted to me was to renew my vision and make visible The Path, but that I would still have to walk it.

I was not ready for this “Jihad”.

Oh My Love, how do I tell You that I have broken my contract for the thousandth time? How do I tell You that even after Your infinite generosity, I am still terrified of trusting You? How do I tell You that here I am once again searching frantically around, as everything I try to hold onto out of weakness and denial turns to dust in my grip…?

Oh, to the One who Protects, shield me from these devils.

To the One who Guides, unveil my eyes; take my trembling hand and lead me back to the way…

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